Limbo

I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is- last week, Jeremy and I learned that we are expecting! (Most of you know this from FB, but for the rest of you- wheee!!!)

The bad news is- I have no idea what on earth is happening now. I honestly don't even know if I am still pregnant. I fear that I may have had a very early miscarriage (known as a chemical pregnancy- its basically when you get pregnant, but you lose the pregnancy before it can be confirmed on ultrasound). Last week, I had positive pregnancy tests, nausea and exhaustion. This week, I have... ugh, I hate even saying this... negative tests. Yep. And cramps. However, I have not gotten a period yet... which throws the whole thing off into a strange limbo-land of not knowing what on earth is happening.

I am crushed... and also confused. I have a dear friend who failed pregnancy test after pregnancy test until it was determined she was 8 weeks pregnant. That story gives me hope. But I am so AFRAID to have hope. I've had hope thrice now, and the first two ended in tears. I have no idea what to expect from this time.

The bitter person in me wants to lash out at those who were damning this pregnancy from the start. There are people who do not agree with our decision to have a child, and my anger and heartbreak makes me want to throw this at them and say, "THERE, are you satisfied? I'm losing the baby, congratulations on getting what you wanted!" But that would be so ugly, and I am not an ugly, classless person. I have to just let them think whatever poisonous thoughts they think and live my own life. Jeremy and I are a team, and we come packaged together now, like it or not.

: ( ugh.

So... here I am. Pretty much broken-hearted again, but with a small thread of hope. I just wish and wish beyond words that I could just have an easy go at this for once.